Take 2

Posted in Uncategorized on January 23, 2011 by blackberrylush

The last time I was in the position writing a blog I was in a dark and lonely place…I actually deleted my last blog when I was sat in a service station on the M5 in the middle of the night after I ran away from home!

I thought I would write again with even more honesty than before – there are some highs and there are definite lows – but it needs to be out there – yes for my selfish needs and also for others to feel that they are not alone and yes there is light at the end of the tunnel eventually.

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We never get over our fathers, and we’re not required to. (Irish Proverb) Martin Sheen

Posted in Uncategorized on November 11, 2013 by blackberrylush

Yesterday I learnt of the death of my father.

My heart aches even though he wasn’t the best, he was fiery tempered with an occasional heavy hand but I’d say he was more caring at times than my mother ever was.

Mother had told me growing up he wanted me aborted, he loved my sister not me, he was with his mistress when I was being born ~ the list went on.

I didn’t see him for 14years but called him the night I attempted suicide wanting answers from him. I remember him asking why didn’t I visit him? That question had always confused me years after. Why want a visit from someone you didn’t want in your life to start with.

Years later it was a spiritual lady who said that I should see my father as he would have answers for some of the many questions.

I remember the day as if it was yesterday. Knocking at his door, nervous, thinking I’m going to see a man who I can call dad.

Sitting in the house I once lived in. Both sat quietly drinking coffee, horse racing on in the background, Racing Post on the table. Nothing had changed in 20 years.

Over time, I visited him to watch the horse racing with him on a Saturday. We talked about the past. I found out that he always wanted me and he never said that he wanted me aborted. He has always loved me and all his daughters.

I asked him to tell me the story of when mother went into labour. He excitedly told me the story of driving to Birmingham in his Mini Van, mother in labour and how he waited for news when mother was taken down for a Caesarian.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him what mother had said he was doing at the time; especially as I found out when talking to a half sister that he loved my mother so much and it broke his heart the day she left him.

I’ve lost 20 years of my father’s life, down to my mother’s evilness but
I’m grateful that I had time with him after realising the lies I’d been told by mother.

Unknown to dad he helped me with my weekly therapy, giving me more evidence of my mother’s narcissist ways and that actually I was wanted.

I’m crying for the loss of a father that I never had growing up, father I wanted so badly but also for the father I found in his winter years.

I wish I could have more time with him. To show him how much he’s actually helped me with my journey of therapy and fighting the demons of abuse.

Alas I can’t but I will always be grateful for the past few years where I could be part of his life again.

Amazing & Strong

Posted in Uncategorized on April 27, 2013 by blackberrylush

Therapy Thursday has been part of my life since last summer. I can put my hand on my heart and say its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Sam (psychotherapist) is my saviour ~ sounds dramatic but she is. The past months even though difficult, she is helping me through the struggle of having an narcissistic mother, gran and sister as well been sexually abused by a family friend.

Sam has told me that if she had seen me when I was younger social services would have put me in care; don’t know why but it sounded so surreal hearing that. I’d become accustomed to the mental and physical torture.

We have also discussed the possibility that my mother knew that I was been abused; there is a very high possibility that she did know. This doesn’t surprise me ~ hurts ~ but no surprise.

Even though I’m surrounded by people that love and care me I feel so lonely. I’ve no real family ~ I’ve been betrayed on every level possible.

When I’m feeling low with it all, the words that Sam tell me whisper through the darkness: “you are amazing and strong ~ you are far stronger than I”

Uncle D

Posted in Depression on December 30, 2012 by blackberrylush

It’s that time of the year where I become more reflective than usual, look to my past and start to turn to the new year.

Went to place some flowers on my nan and Uncle D’s grave.

I looked at the graves of my family and the only grave without wreath, flowers or thought was my Uncle D’s.

D suffered from depression as I do. Similarly we were both ignored by our families. I’m treated as the black sheep, D was put into a mental asylum in Worcestershire. The place where he was sent too was the place where they tested LSD on patients. I’ve yet to find out if he was one of the guinea pigs.

D discharged himself one day and descended into the River Severn for his release – I think of him free from his demons as I’ve longed to be.

As I placed beautiful red tulips on his grave with the love and care he deserves which he never got when he was alive. Even in his death he is ignored by family because of who he was and who I am.

Till the day I die I will look after his grave.

As I drove home I thought I’m going to be that grave when I go.

The tears fell as I drove…

Masked

Posted in Abuse, Childhood, Family, Mother on December 8, 2012 by blackberrylush

For the outsider looking in I am a contented 30 something woman, married, work for an international company and have a cat.

Behind the mask there is a woman actually a child wanting to break free from the chains of mental and sexual abuse.

From July, a psychotherapist has been chipping away at the well moulded mask that protects me.

Every Thursday I lower the mask to the only person I can trust. There is no judgement, she listens and helps me process my emotions and my actions.

My Mother is actually on the same level as the man who sexually abused me. It makes me feel so lost thinking about it, trapped in this woman’s body is a child longing for the perfect childhood still.

I am 32 and I know I can’t go back in time but I want to be a child again, I want to be able to live the perfect childhood. I don’t want to be preyed on again by a man and woman with evilness coursing through their veins.

I don’t want to be the young woman who had sex with men just so I could feel loved for a few minutes.

I want to be loved and supported through my teens not terrorized and used.

I feel throughout my life I feel like I have been used…I feel like I am getting stronger but there are still instances where I am been used on a daily basis.

I will not be used any more, my time has come and eventually the mask will stay off and people will see the real me.

For now people will only see glimpses…

*adjusts my mask*

First Memories

Posted in Uncategorized on July 12, 2012 by blackberrylush

Today was the first appointment for my psychological assessment. 

I was asked what was my first memory was and all I could think of is my Mother trying to eat my stuffed seal at the age of 5, having the feeling of being horrified.  Then when I was asked about pre school I felt happiness in my heart.  The smell of plasticine in my nostrils, playing with friends, painting and most importantly milk and biscuits!

When asked about what feelings I could remember towards my mother up till I was 10 I was shocked to realise that I can not remember her holding, hugging or kissing me.  All I could think of is the horrified feeling of her and that stupid stuffed seal!  I remembered I hardly saw her because she employed a nanny when she left Father.

When asked about my Father all I could remember was him chasing me up the stairs hitting me…I was mortified that these were my first memories of home life and the only happy thoughts were being at pre school where I was safe with my paints and plasticine.

 

 

Bolt Out The Blue

Posted in Uncategorized on June 9, 2012 by blackberrylush

My mind is swamped with memories – I try to fight them, get them out and forgotten but they never go, ever.

I am finding that I have no escape at the moment, walk around the supermarket and smell the perfume of my sister and it automatically knotted my stomach.  I drive down the road and I see the vehicle that my mother has and it feels like I am burning up.  See the van my abuser had and I always check to see if its him because I just want to get out and attack him.

You would think cleaning I would be relatively safe until the postman arrives with a letter from the hospital for an appointment to see if I am worthy of psychotherapy.  I thought I was so ready for this, I have being waiting for the appointment for seven months.

I sat on the sofa and cried – now is the time I have to unleash my demons and face the consequences.

 

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2012 by blackberrylush

I stare into my own eyes as I stand looking at the mirror and sighs.

I can see that I have a resemblance to my mother – it disgusts me and makes me feel sick.  I don’t want to look like her – that vile and horrible woman.

It scares me that I could turn into the vile woman I hate so much – every so often I will make a statement and think that I can hear Mother saying it – it actually makes me feel uncomfortable.

The saying of apple doesn’t fall far from the tree just rattles round my head which doesn’t help my constant thinking of the moment of my dark past.

Just wish I could have a break from my thoughts and feelings – they are slowly wearing me down at the moment and catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror really is not happening.